Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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