I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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