Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
