So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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