You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
