Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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