Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize