She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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