your thong is hanging out like whoa
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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