Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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