I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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