A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
