Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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