How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I puked a lego.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
