I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i believe in u and ur pee
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
