Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
