I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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