I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
