gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
