Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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