please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
