she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
