Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
