Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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