I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
