I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
