You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
