I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
