it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
