one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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