i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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