So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
