youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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