The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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