Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
