My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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