What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
