I'm jealous of your bromance
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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