just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
