i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
