I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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