I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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