Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
