meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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