Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Randomize
