my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm like, not good at living.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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