If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
