im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
