If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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