Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
