her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I did not marry a roomba.
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