I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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