I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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