Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
