i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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