so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
